the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
