he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
