You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
