saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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