I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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