My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
