just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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