turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
