they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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