Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
