I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
