I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
God, you're like boner-b-gone
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
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YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
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The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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