Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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