There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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