Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
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where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
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We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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