Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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