Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
my poor anus
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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