He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
