Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
