It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
