I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It's shark week go big or go home
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
