bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
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Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
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At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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