I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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