I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
