Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
In other news, I just burned my penis
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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