I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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