so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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