do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
