I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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