he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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