I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
