yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
