Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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