dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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