I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
