How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
