There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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