the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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