Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
