Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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