she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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