based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
