That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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