Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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