My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i barfeds in our rink
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
