Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
