The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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