Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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