You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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