she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
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Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
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I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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